I haven’t felt this kind of hurt for years. I have written a lot of bleeding lines but all of them are either imagined or based on my first heartbreak, my first love.
But this one is different, it’s worst among worse. The kind of hurt that snatched my desire to eat. I have not been eating for days, it’s coffee and coffee and more coffee. (I think I have to weigh because I surely have lost some pounds. Perspective. :D)
I can’t even write or even read a book because my heart feels so hot and so heavy. Like a volcano exploding anytime soon.
It’s the kind of hurt that stopped my always logical mind working. I have been badly sick before but I was never absent. But now, I just filed my first sick leave in almost two years.
That’s how much this hurt hurts. It hurts like hell. A fiery, angry kind of hell.
My soul, my heart, my mind together sink in the deepest grief I have felt for years. Alone in my lightless room, I relished the throbbing ache that makes me want to scream and break every breakable thing I can get my hands on. But I did not. I instead made my bed, my pillows and my blanket as my asylum. I lie awake until almost noon.
Then came my little Nicole. (I am the eldest among six siblings and she was our last one. She’s 5 years old). She was delighted to see me because we seldom do during weekdays. She talked about her lesson at school and then as always she used my phone to see my saved images. Her enthusiam and youth has always lifted me up. But it didn’t work today.
Until she asked if she can play songs on my phone. I am not sure she can but I said yes.
For some reasons she played Healer by Kari Jobe and it made my hurting tears flow. That is what I have been praying for days. Healing of my hurt.
I lie opposite Nicole and cried my heart out in silence. The song just finished and it was followed by All for Love by Hillsong United. It appeared that it is His message for me in this hurt. It’s lyrics says:
“For how many times have I broken your heart, still you forgive…”
It made me cry more. But this time, I am crying not because I am hurt. I cried because I feel so grateful.
That song made me realize, I am hurting like hell because of another person. A person like me. But then how many times have I hurt the Highest One who made me with His own breath? How many times have I sinned? How many have I been unfaithful? How many times have I made my Creator hurt like hell?
It dawned on me that the hurt I have been feeling for days is nothing compared to what I have inflicted against Him. It was worst because He has never given up on me. It was worst because He made me. I am His but I hurt Him so many times.
Imagining how much hurt He has endured for me makes my heart overflow with humbleness and gratitude, drowning my hurt.
He loved, loves and will love me even when I have hurt Him. So who am I to not forgive and forget? Why will I ever think this hurt won’t fade?
Thanks to my dearest angel Nicole, I have found my heaven in hurting like hell.
Just like what Even When it Hurts of Hillsong United song said,
“Even when it hurts like hell, I’ll praise You.”
I am still hurt. But the magnitude has decreased. Cause in this hurt I have realized I am more than loved, I am more than blessed by my God above.
Thank you everyone who offered their comforting words. 🙂 You don’t need the details behind my hurt and sickness, you just offered words and words mean so much to me. Thank you, lovely souls.
I am back, better and stronger. ❤