When My Demons Win

Tonight I will let my demons win. Go envy, speak yourself.

Ask why among my friends I have the lowest almost minimum-wage salary. Why it’s easy to increase theirs, but hard for me. I only want to provide for my family, to buy my mom some groceries, while my friends mostly spend their money on luxuries.

Ask why the most demanding but almost lowest paying account was given to me, while the new three clients were given to my co-worker. Why new opportunities are given to her, while my brain aches in my corner. Why while I am prompt and driven, no favor to me was given?

Tonight I will let my demons win. Go insecurity speak yourself.

Ask why my pimples won’t stop growing. He knows I have no money to buy clearing skin products, yet He lets me get uglier. Ask why I can’t lost weight. Even when I’m starving myself.

Tonight I will let my demons win. Go frustration, speak yourself.

Ask why does my sister fail a subject? He knows my meagre salary can barely save for her tuition but He let her fail and take summer class. It cost me more money, and her scholarship. Now I have to save more though I will not get more.

Tonight I will let my demons win. Go selfishness speak yourself.

Ask why is it easy for me to buy my siblings and parents’ clothes and shoes while my office wear are mostly my rich aunt’s hand-me-down blouse and skirts? Why can’t I buy books I wanted to read but easily purchase treats for my sibs? Why can’t I satisfy my wants even though I provide for my family’s needs?

Tonight I will let my demons win. Tonight I will let my tears fall. To defeat my demons I should let them out. To clear my eyes I should let my tears go.

Tonight I will let depression in. Tomorrow I’ll believe again.

Tonight I will let my demons win. Tomorrow I will defeat them again.

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75 thoughts on “When My Demons Win

  1. Dear Rosema,
    I’m very sad to read this. Seems that you’re going through a very rough patch.
    Here’s wishing all good things for you, and better opportunities. Yes, it can definitely hurt if someone else I’d bring given more opportunities than you in the same place of work. Sounds like favoritism is at work.
    The poem is very well-structured and well-written – it is a cry of pain, and yet ends on a positive, determined note.
    All the best to you. Death to the demon/s! Strength and power to you from now on!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Vijaya,
      First of all, I really really want to thank you for your time, for reading this rant of mine and for writing your comforting words. Really, it means a lot to me.
      I am in a rough patch for quite a while now but last week was the peak of it. After I learned of new projects and nothing was given to me, it depressed me. Thus, I have to let it all out.
      Thank you very very much, Vi! I am determined to put my demons to death. 🙂 With your support I know I can. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re most welcome. I hope that you get the new projects you desire, and that you conquer those sad feelings. I have found that not really letting over workplace affect us can actually change how people react to us. So, hold your head high, rejoice in your burgeoning poetic talent and your many supporters, and things will have to change in your favor.
        Oh, I noticed there were a couple of “auto-corrects” on my response to your poem (I was typing on my phone at the time). What I had meant to write was, “Yes, it can definitely hurt if someone else *is being* given more opportunities than you in the same place of work.”
        All the best!
        💕

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you again for the lovely and encouraging words. 🙂 You are wise and thank you for sharing your words to me. Indeed I should not let my work define me and affect me. 🙂 I will hold my head high now. 🙂
        It is okay, Vijaya! 🙂 I got your great message clearly. 🙂
        You have a great week too! Blessing to you! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This makes me sad too! You deserve to make an outstanding salary and maybe you should look for a place to work that will give you one. You are a very unselfish person, Rosema! Find that job that will be good to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ah, I’m so sorry Rosema. This is a lot to through and extremely hard on you I can tell you’re sufferring. I’m not sure how long you’ve been at your job but if your coworkers are making better pay and you know you are doing the same amount of work or same job, it doesn’t hurt to make a meeting with your boss and tell him why you’re so good at your job and why you deserve to paid more. If you’ve been there an amount of time, even if you have the lowest paying account, I’d give it a go. The worst your boss can say is no.

    You are not ugly. I saw your picture with your boyfriend and I meant it you are a beautiful women. Adult acne sucks, more then teen acne I think The best way to better skin is a 3 step Acne system. I have heard of this brand and it seemed to have good reviews, and is $11.99 US for all products
    http://intl.target.com/p/up-up-3-step-acne-system/-/A-13970915. If you can spare the money it seems like a good way to go. At Target. If you’re looking for good price makeup like cover up I have heard good things about NYX or I think Target has a brand called Elf which is nice makeup but cheap.

    You are so good at taking care of your sister and family and do such a good job. I’m sure your sister didn’t mean to fail the course, some courses are just so difficult in university. I’m sorry this means you’ll be paying more $. I know you want to take care of your fam and buy the, the things they need but you need to take care of you too.

    Being able to take care of your appearance for your work is huge. Maybe, your siblings are old enough to have part time jobs and pay for some of their own things? Just a thought, I don’t know the situation exactly but it sounds to me like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and you need to look after you too. It’s not selfish, you will be and do better if you can work on you.

    Best of luck my friend. If there is anything I can do. Please let me know. Even ordering you some items you need to ship to your place. Please let me know. I would be most willing to do that for you. Just let me know what you need. 🙂 mandi_ae@hotmail.com

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi dear Mandi,
      First of all, thank you very very much for reading my rant and for taking some of your precious time in writing those comforting and wise words. Thank you for the tips and for the advice. 🙂
      Honestly, I have no budget to spare for skin care regimens. And I think that is not a priority for now. 🙂 But really dear, thank you very very much.
      Your words are sweet but most of all they are wise. You are right, I think the weight upon me has been too heavy, thus I collapsed and let my demons win.
      Thank you, my friend. I appreciate it, so much. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Like Joy, I was really sad when I read this. You are such a lovely, kind and sharing person that it seems so unfair that life has not rewarded you.
    The poem was beautifully written Rose, you are a very talented young lady. I hope that things start getting better for you soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Keep fighting them sweet Ema! They may win a battle, but when this life folds, you will have won the War!
    Hugs and love to you!
    Please have a marvelous week ahead!
    Dajena ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My heart aches! Sometimes it’s good to let the demons win because confronting the demons (acknowledging they exist) is the first step in eradicating and overcoming them. Have those days, but know the demons will be defeated!! Keep fighting!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. All things considered, it’s probably good to let the demons out to walk around some. More importantly (and less metaphorically), it’s good to express what’s going on inside, when it’s good and, like now, when it’s difficult. I’m impressed with how much you accomplish for your family. I know you work hard (I know about your commute), and I am frustrated and frankly annoyed that you are not advanced further at your job. If there were on-line certification courses for free, I’d say take one of those. It makes an impression, and you learn something. Of course, when you’d find the time, I wouldn’t know. (On the commute?)

    Mainly, though, I want to say I’m glad you crafted your thoughts and feelings so clearly here and in a voice that continues to engage. I’m sad, though, for how hard things are now. And I will pray with others that things improve as well as become more bearable.

    Rosema, so many are with you! Your friend, Christopher

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much my friend Christopher. Your words are comforting and most of all they are wise. 🙂 I appreciate how you remember about my commute. That should’ve been part of this rant but maybe it weigh less compared to what I have included.
      I am really planning to take online courses, especially on writing. I also plan to have a part-time writing job to have some extra cash. On the other hand, the tools I need for those are absent as of now. I don’t have a laptop (I never had). I am saving but still failing because my priority is to save for my sister’s tuition. I also have no internet connection at home. (internet here in the Philippines is slow but ironically so expensive.) So… I am lost right now on how to step forward.
      Nonetheless, thank you! Really. I appreciate the prayers and the wise words you said. and this line: “Rosema, so many are with you!”, tear me up. :’) Thank you!

      Like

  8. I’m so sorry, reading this–it’s not fair at all. But this I know in the depth of my heart and soul–GOD HAS MORE FOR YOU UP AHEAD. He has not missed, nor forgotten all your selfless efforts, and your faithfulness to do your best in serving Him and others. And the last 2 lines you wrote are SO familiar to my experience, dear little sister. It’s okay to let things out–and start fresh tomorrow 🙂 You are always in my prayers–don’t forget that! xxoo, M

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am virtually crying right now because of your words, my M. ❤ Thank you, thank you very much for the reminder. I needed them, and they surely made me feel better. 🙂
      Thank you, really, M. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

      1. Ohhh, bless your baby heart–now I’m all weepy too! I have to remind myself frequently that He’s a good, good Father–as well as the vindicator of all the injustices in our lives (picture Superman only Much Better!). Keep me posted regarding any/all prayer needs–I’m only a click away 🙂 xxoo

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There may be other verses, but the one I was thinking of is in Psalm 17 (specifically verse 2)–New King James Version. I’ll see if I can find more for you tomorrow 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It means a lot to me that He is going to balance out the books, as I have had much injustice in my life–I try not to be bitter, but it’s so painful–so I’m working on keeping my focus on His promises instead 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  9. oh my dear Rosema, I pray things get better. I hope that this rough patch was the eye of the needle and that once you’re through it, things will fall easily into place for you. Maybe you could add a tip jar/book fund (ahem a paypal link) to your site so friends can support your book habit 🙂 We want you to keep reading and writing 🙂 You are our book scout. We choose up interesting reads based on your suggestions.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the prayers, dear Mel! ❤ I believe this, too, shall pass. I wrote this last Saturday and I am now feeling better. 🙂
      A book fund, sounds so sweet of you, but that would be too much to ask. ❤
      Thank you!!! I am glad to hear my choices suit your book taste! 😀

      Like

      1. Ah but you wouldn’t be asking. It would just be there for those who, like me, want to help keep you reading and smiling. I donate to help my cousin’s business, so why not allow me give to help a friend whose friendship means a lot to me. Your comments keep hope burning and that means more to me than money or promotions.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Oh thank you, my dear! Really, Mel. I appreciate it. 🙂 I am sooo glad to know my words encourage you, though I am saying them in all honesty. Because your works deserve my words. 🙂
      Thank you very much for your willingness to help. It really means so much to me. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome 🙂 Words spoken into silence carry far and weigh a lot. Yours is the only voice encouraging me most days. I am very grateful for it. Such freely given support is priceless. If you’re ever in need, know that I’d help as much as I could. I owe you so much for that gift. Never underestimate the power of encouragement–it is sometimes the only light in a dark place; the only voice cheering when the world is jeering or turned away in silent disdain. You’re also a gifted poet my friend.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well I can say the same for you dear. ❤❤❤
        You are right. Words have power, an ultimate power to make or break a soul. I am glad my honest ones ‘make’ a lovely writer. ❤❤❤

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh dearie, you are doing fine, right? ❤❤❤
    I’m not used to seeing you gloomy and sad, I hope you are now feeling better. I wish I could say the right words to cast away those demons but I don’t have them. Still, knowing how you have such a brave heart, I believe that you can cast them away yourself. Cheer up, dear Rosema! We’re right here for you. :*

    Liked by 1 person

      1. *sigh*
        It’s a relief that you’re done releasing those things that caused you stress. You are most welcome and please know that we’re all in this together (like the song). Love lots! ❤❤❤

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi my dear, Annie. Thank you for the hugs and love! ❤ ❤ ❤ You are right. 🙂 Yet it's always the darkest when sunrise is nearest. ❤
      Thank youuu! I am feeling better now. 🙂 ❤ Love and hugs back to you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Indeed, Rosema. And you know what they say, you’ll appreciate light more when you’ve been (were) in the dark. You’re most welcome. More love and hugs! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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